Transaction "For chuong's obvi" and I reply "It really wasn't obvious" and they say "Who's Nick?" and I say "Just a well wisher!"

Venmo Commenting

If you want to do anything in the world of tech, your best bet to get anything funded is to throw as many buzzwords, trends, and popular things at VCs as you can – eventually you’ll get what you need. Venmo provides a great service, but because it’s a tech product, they had to sell it as social media as well. Nobody wanted this. There was no real reason for this. But it was there. And it was dumb. Venmo removed it recently, but I had a lot of fun while it lasted. 

Let me get started with my favorite:

Transaction "Kale salad with beans, mushrooms, beets, cornuts, and fava beans" and I say "Sounds excellent! Mind posting the recipe?" and they actually respond with it - "Sure. Take kale, two cups of kidney beans, chopped portabello mushrooms, sliced beets, four cups cornuts (regular not bbq), and grilled gava beans. Stir, add lemon. Use spoon" (I can't imagine eating this)

It’s not a recipe that I intend on making, but I’m glad it makes them happy – and that’s the energy I took to this. Venmo is a service that I use (Nick-Robinson if you want to send me some money for some reason) and the last thing that I want is to get banned from it. So, I figured they couldn’t ban me for being nice to people, or for engaging with them (the holiest of metrics).

So I started just leaving nice comments for everyone.

Transaction "Comedy club" and I reply "I hope it was a barrel of laughs!"
Transaction: "Drifting sands + Ceasars = $184.34 total for the weekend. Look at me, I have venmo! (Are ya proud?)" and I say "Glad to see you as a part of the Venmo community!"
Transaction "Getting evicted" and I say "Sorry to hear that!"
Transaction "Prom" and I said "Have a wonderful time!"
Transaction "Strippaaaaaassssss" and I say "Oh my. Hope you both had a blast!"
Transaction "For being a good friend" and I reply "Come now, that should be free. It's its own reward, you know!"
Transaction for "Milkshake" and I reply "I hope it was good enough to bring the boys to the yard!"
Transaction "Costco" and I say "While at Costco I always like to get the very berry sundae. A cool treat at the end of the trip!" (they don't make it anymore, it's now just strawberry"
Transaction "Call me maybe?" I say "Hope you follow through!"
Transaction "Why are we at the food court more than the club" I reply "I'm guessing more affordable, looser dress code, and ability to drive yourself home"
A transaction "Oysters and cause I left my wallet at home like a dummy", I say "Plan ahead next time!"
Payment for "Kale salad with beans" and I say "Is this the recipe that has corn nuts in it?"
Transaction "Airport shuttle from Dallas -> Austin" I say "Quite a shuttle! Hope you were able to stop in Waco for the Dr. Pepper museum!" (Recommended if you're near Waco)
A transaction with the caption "Money to buy some worth" I say "I believe you have worth regardless of how much money you have".
Transaction "For the beer you'll need after finals" and I say "Remember - it's for AFTER! Study hard and good luck!"
Somebody pays somebody and says "because you paid me too much $$$$" and I say "Honesty! What a wonderful policy!"
A venmo comment. The transaction says "Jump rope! Thank u!" and I replied "Hope it's a rope good enough to get some serious double Dutch going!"
A transaction for "Podcast expenses" and I respond "Boy tell me about it. I however just got some XLR cable on Amazon. Good price, good quality"
A payment for "over usage data 4G" and I say "Oh my! Better log onto WiFi!"
Transaction "My senior trip dept has been rapid. Thanks captain black falcon for bringing us back in one piece and putting up with our obnoxious Disney" I say "Fantastic. The debt was temporary, the memories forever."
Transaction with the black guy with blonde hair emoji. I say "I hope this means you took in a late showing of the Stallone/Wesley Snipes classic DEMOLITION MAN."
A payment "Here... you gold digging money seeking piece of trash" and I say "come now, is that any way to treat a fellow human being?"
Somebody pays and says "House keeping... U like??" and I say "I like it"
Transaction for "Train services" I say "I hope this is service for the band Train - they are pop rock awesome" and that comes from this one Train-obsessed woman I found once, and the reference does not come through here. Sorry
A woman says "Free shtuffff" on her venmo transaction. I ask "Then why did you pay?"
Charging somebody "Cuz I paid instead of requesting" I say "whoops!"

But simply leaving positive comments on strangers’ transactions only takes you so far. So I started to push them a little bit…

Transaction for "Mcdons" and I say "The cool thing is to just call it 'Donald's' now"
Transaction "Coolest Derby hats" and I say "No such thing"
A charge with "I am legend". I reply "The Will Smith movie? How'd you like it?"
Transaction with wine glass emoji and fist emoji, I reply "This is no way to ask for forgiveness after punching somebody while wine drunk. Do it in person."

And then the next step is, obviously, to start engaging with people.

Transaction "You know what", I say "I don't, actually...."
A payment "I killed a guy once. Just to watch him die." I reply "NOt good. You should probably turn yourself into the police immediately and throw yourself upon the mercy of the court"
A transaction and the person says "You owe me nothing" and I ask "Then why the transaction?"
A transaction "Flo Rida" and I reply "I hope this is a joke."
A transaction "Selling my live for you...." I reply "How much?"
Transaction "What was it for again? JK I know what it was for. Hehehehehehehe" I reply "I don't"
A transaction "Sometimes I hate you, but I always love you" and I say "I'm sure you two can make up. Focus on communicating your feels clearly" (I meant feelings but typo)
Venmo transaction: A woman comments "420" for her transaction, I comment "Weed is illegal"
A person charging another saying "They're a volunteer as a counselor for a camp that sends urban youths to summer camp. The program's theme is social justice education and every fundraising effort subsidizes the cost of the camp, and thanks for helping. I reply "Well this is presumptive"
Transaction: "You know" I say "mind filling the rest of us in?"
A payment for "You know..." and I say "Well don't keep secrets from the rest of us!"
Transaction: "I won't ever tell" and I say "Please. Please let us know. I want to know"
A payment with the comment "Half on construction of Meth lab #3" and I reply "You shouldn't be so out in the open with this, construction of a meth lab is illegal in many ways!"
A transaction "Wedding video deposit", and I say "I'll do it for half price"
Somebody transacts and says "poopy butts" I say "gonna flag this one for prostitution"
Somebody makes a payment and says "Wiffy" and I say "I'ts spelled Wi-Fi". These are funnier when not typed out, I swear.
A transaction in broken english and I say "What?"
A transaction w/ the comment "Geez venmo, so nosy" and I reply "I know. It's really intrusive to the personal space, isn't it"

And eventually… they start writing back. The promise of transactions and social media coming together actually started happening.

A transaction for "Your and Gopi's wedding present", I say "I hope you two are happy forever after" and the tagged person Gopi says "Eh not about it" and I reply "Oh no!"
A transaction for Concert and beer, I reply "Who did you guys see?" They say "Disclosure", I reply "I saw them at coachella a few years ago. Good show!" she says "It was so good!"
Venmo transaction: A father pays his son and says "Celebrate the end of the year!" I say "But it's may" the farther, for no good reason replies back saying "end of the college year" I ask what his major and the dad says "Sam's major is electrical engineering"
A transaction for "Parking for the best comedy experience of your life" I reply "They're playing MacGruber in a theater somewhere?" the person replys "Bahahaha said no one ever" and I reply "What? MacGruber is amazing!!!" (which is true)
A person pays another and says "I hope u still love me" and I reply "We're all rooting for you two!" The recipient says "Thanks Nick R!!!!" and then replies "Love you lots" and I reply "Love you too"
Somebody transacts and says "Getting clean" and I respond "It's hard to kick drugs, but I can assure you it's well worth it"
A venmo transaction that says "Crack", I comment "Hello. I'm with your local police department. I'm going to need you to turn yourself in at 10AM. You've admitted to a crime and will be charged accordingly." the person responds "Hi, this was in reference to a steak called Burguny Tri Tip 'Cardiff Crack' steak that we bought at the grocery store"
A transaction that says tickets. I ask what it's for, they say Rihanna, and I tell them to have a wonderful time
Transaction "Happy Graduation" and the recipient says "noooo I don't need money, I need a bike!!" to which I say "Use the money for a bike, what's so hard about that?" they say "Cuz bike is more expensive lol"
Transaction for "The sad past" and I say "time to move forward and embrace tomorrow!" the recipient says "You know it! Living the YOLO life" and I say "A positive attitude will take you far"
Somebody pays somebody and says "Kale salad", I reply "Yum! Eat up!" and the person writes back to me "What the fuck!"
Somebody pays somebody else and says "Don't want the money. Lol", and I say "If you don't want it, I'll take it", the person receiving money says if there's any more money they don't want, to keep sending it, then I interject that I called dibs.
A payment for "being caring and helpful" and I say "That should be free. It never hurts to help!" the recipient says "Please save your comments for trasnactions you have contextual knoweldge of" and I say "Well why don't you give me the context then?"
A transaction with the comment "And I got all the drugs in the world that u need", I ask them to share, another person says that it's for a concert and I say that I like to get high for concerts, too
A guy pays for Jersey Mike's and I ask which sandwich he got, he says 2018 is social commentary on pay backsies in a public form, to which I repond that I'm trying to make friends, that some days I'm so lonely I can't get out of bed.
A woman paid for something with the comment "Friendship" and I make the argument that friendship should be free, she says everything costs money, I say that I feel sorry for her.
A payment where somebody says "James can't hang", I reply "Don't be so exclusionatory. I'm sure James is a fine fellow that you can all have a nice time together." the person writes back "Who are you, bro" and I say "Somebody who cares. You all can be friends"
A payment for "Hundo left for rent" and I say "Spend wisely" and the person is just confused.

And finally… a true moment of human growth and understanding. 

The dream of social media came true.

A transaction with the caption "Money to buy some worth" I say "I believe you have worth regardless of how much money you have". The receipient says "I think so too" the sender says "You're right dude. Sorry Dylan" and I say "I'm glad we could all come to an understanding"